Time Well Used

This week I've started to finally make a huge effort to get into God's Word each day; and it has been most excellent. It hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it might be, and I've really enjoyed the time that I get to do it during the day. I've also been making an effort not to be careless with my time. It is so easy for me to come back from Physical Therapy in the mornings and just go back to sleep until noon. But this week (and a little of last week), I've been making the active effort to go down to the gym at my complex and work out at least for a half hour; which I know isn't much, but I feel is a good start from absolutely nothing. As a result, I've found myself feeling a little better about myself throughout the day, and I've been sleeping a LOT better. I used to take hours to fall asleep on a normal school night, but now I'm finding myself just slipping away peacefully with the knowledge that my day has been productive and not a complete waste. I have also been giving myself some "me" time on Sundays. It happened accidentally last Sunday when I was trying to kill a few hours before going to Abbey's bonfire. I ended up at the cafe in the Albertson's by Calvary and then went across the street to Starbucks. I ended up sitting in Starbucks for a good fourish hours, just writing down and organizing my thoughts, thinking things out that I had so long ago filed away to be processed at some later date, and writing various other things. It was well spent time, one that I could easily have spent on Facebook and Youtube, but chose not to. And even then, when I arrived at the beach early, I found a bench and just drank in the smells, the sight, and the sound of the ocean. Taking in the sunset last Sunday evening was a perfect moment in every way, and I felt incredibly cleansed by it.

Its odd how my apartment; never changing, always consistent, can be so absolutely distracting; while being out and about in the world can be so freeing and conducive to productive thought processes. I chose to do the same thing this Sunday. Instead of HAVING to find something to do, something to fill my time; I chose to sit in the plaza at the center of the roundabout in Old Town Orange after lunch to just read and think. And now I'm repeating my stint at Starbucks, albeit for a shorter period of time than last week. I can't help but feel a bit freed. I've been encouraged to continue my daily readings of the Bible by this week's success, and I greatly look forward to making Sunday afternoons into a weekly chance to stop and think, to stop and clear my mind, to stop and process the thoughts that I can so easily store away for months at a time.

Today has felt successful. I think we're meant to disconnect and stop for a while every now and then. I feel good.

I Love To Sit In Silence

         -I-
I love to sit in silence
Beneath the shady trees
And listen to the song of birds
And to the buzz of bees.

         -II-
I love to sit in silence
And watch the Clouds roll by
Then read a book or sing a song
And hear the wild bird cry.

         -III-
I love to sit in silence
When the day is almost done
And see behind the distant hill
The paint glow of the sun.      

         -IV-
I love to sit in silence
In the evening twilight
And listen to the whippor-will
Singing with all its might

         -V-
I love to sit in silence
Beneath the Starry sky
And pray to all in earnest
To live in silence all the while

-Anonymous

Sorrow

Let's just say that I haven't cried for a long time.

Change

Change is one of those things that has a way of catching us off guard and upsetting our little bubble that we operate in. And we REALLY don't like it. But I think what we don't see in that moment is the simple fact that it is usually always for the better. Change forces us to experience new things, to do things in a way that we're not used to. We start to realize that what we were doing before was yes, nice while it lasted, but new and greater things await. Moving to Fullerton was one of those changes in my life that opened me up to a new way of living life. All of a sudden I had to be responsible, all of a sudden my friends group had vanished into thin air. All of a sudden I was opened up to experiences that I was not only unfamiliar with, but had never expected to encounter. But true to our nature, we adapt when change occurs. We take hold of the situation and try to make the best out of it. And it is that very act of adapting that makes the change in our lives so special. We learn new things. We learn how to live life a little more to its fullest. It is definitely weird to see other people experience change in their lives though. Because there is always a ripple effect. Sometimes it is old relationships that are heading in a new direction, and sometimes it is new acquaintances that are heading somewhere totally new; and you just happened to meet them right before everything became different. But I am finding it encouraging to see change happening all around me. There is something healthy about it; something youthfully invigurating. I don't think we were ever intended t be stagnant creatures. Looking back into old journal entries from two years ago, or even simply just one year ago, it is amazing to see how much has happened since then. To see how much has absolutely changed. I know I'm deathly scared of change most of the time, but once it happens, I'm finding myself more and more okay with it all. And I think the main reasoning behind that is the fact that I have discovered over the years that there really is no stopping it.

Beautiful

The smell of dust after rain. So unique; and oh-so calming. I can't get enough of it.

Our Lives As We Know Them

There are those of us who have watched Doctor Who, those of us who have not, and those of us who have discovered something much deeper than a simple television show produced by the British. The way I see it, the story of the Doctor and his adventures is a modern fairy tale; one that caters to the child within all of us, that deeper sense of freedom and adventure that we all have had buried under layers of responsibility and maturity that has been grained into us over the years of our lives. When you first watch the show, its just that, a show. but as you delve deeper and deeper within the folds and twists and intricacies, you stop caring about the unrealistic ridiculousness of the program. The plot holes you discover here and there? Who cares. The simple fact is, after experiencing a certain amount of the Doctor and his exploits, you develop this fairy tale notion. Really, its the same thing as a little boy dreaming he'll be an astronaut one day, or the little girl who imagines herself as the princess that gets saved by Prince Charming. In a way, you develop this shimmer of a hope against all adult logic and reason; that maybe some day you might find that magic blue box waiting outside your front door. Sure, the exploits of the Doctor and his companions are anything but safe, but really, isn't that what we all yearn for deep inside? Why do you think shows like Lost happen? Or maybe even our grandparent's Gilligan's Island? Why do we love movies like Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings? Why do we become enthralled with games such as Fallout, Red Dead Redemption, and Mass Effect? Why is it that we want to "get away from it all" on so many occasions? I think that we have tamed the wild beast within ourselves, and in the process, forgotten that it is even there. So we end up waking up in the morning and yearning for something we don't even know is there. The most adventurous and spontaneous thing you might end up doing is dying your hair a different color. Or changing your desktop background on your computer. Logic and common sense dictate that we stay within the speed limit's confines. Responsibility tells us that we probably shouldn't take the whole weekend off, because then we'll be down two day's pay. Our fear of the unknown tells us that we shouldn't jump off of a cliff into a pool of water 80 feet down. We watch shows like Man vs Wild and wish that we were as much of a beast as Bear Grylls. The problem is (and I know I am just as guilty of this as anyone else), we are afraid of taking that first step; of leaving the safety of our society and social circles and doing something new and unknown. I have a feeling that if that police box some of us are so familiar with showed up across the street from our houses one morning when we were getting into our cars for work or school; a good number of us would tell that old-but-young man beckoning to us "sorry, I just can't". But we wish that we were given the opportunity, don't we? We want to win the lottery, "because then everything would be different". Or get that promotion, "because then I'll be on the right track". Or get picked to be a TV game show contestant "because then I'll be famous". The fact is this: we wish for these things to happen. The fact is this: when they do, we reject them. Its never something as drastic as being on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but it is ALWAYS the little decisions that make the HUGE things happen. The wild best within us wants to escape, but we don't even know that its trapped inside of us. It is a sad but necessary truth. In order for our society to continue onward in the fashion that we have groomed it, the beast has to remain a secret. There are those of us who have embraced it (ie: why do the people at the X Games do what they do?). There are those of us who never want to know that it is indeed inside of us. I for one, I want nothing more than to escape from all of THIS. I don't know how to. I don't know how to even start. I don't know what I would do if I was given the opportunity. If that proverbial blue box showed up on my doorstep and a man with wild hair and a crazy but kind look in his eyes held out his hand for me to take, I don't know what I would do. Right now, I say "YES, I'd do it in a heartbeat". But when that opportunity is given, I do what we all do, run scared with my tail between my legs.

Sacramento

I'm pretty much blessed with the best friends ever :)

A Moment in Time

There are certain things in this world that are simply inexplicable. The triggers are numerous: be it a TV show, a time with a friend, an old memory of an action long ago taken, or simply just a familiar sight. They spawn something... little. Something that's so small that you can't quite grasp it; so small that it often goes unnoticed. But when you do, it is almost as if time stands still. You get a feeling as if you are gazing upon an existence infinitely more complex than you ever comprehended in the past, or ever will in the future; and the thoughts you have within that moment cannot ever be explained to another human being. You yourself can never explain them to your own mind once that moment passes. But in that endless second, something clicks. I have no idea what, only that I am left with a residual awe and wonder, but also a quiet and gnawing yearning.

Spring Semester 2011

So.. Its my last day of classes this semester. Definitely bittersweet. I LOVED this semester. I love the people I've met this semester; I love the classes I've been in this semester; I especially love the church community I've been accepted into this semester. I'm going to miss it all; and I'm really excited to move back next semester. It will be nice to be home this summer; but it will be different from what its been in the past. We'll see how it goes!

Lack of Posts

I can't believe that I haven't written ANYTHING on here since I moved to Fullerton. So much has happened; so many good things, so many interesting things, so many not-necessarily good things, and so many life experiences. I've had quite the few couple of months, and I can hardly believe that I'm moving back to San Diego in just a week and a half. I look forward to whatever may happen in the near future :) I'm finally not wishing that something else was happening with my life! Overall, moving away has been the best thing to happen to me for years.