As Of Late

I've been tired in the most recent weeks, but I haven't been able to find the source of my exhaustion. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its purely mental. Sometimes, its completely gone. But most of the time, especially today, I feel nothing but the urge to fall asleep, despite my solid 8 hours spent in bed last night. I can't explain it. Its like I have an urge to get the day over with as soon as possible. Even when I hang out with friends, I find myself not doing the physical things I found oh so exciting not too long ago, but just sitting around, going for car rides, etc, etc. I think I quite literally have a lack of things to truly LIVE for at the moment. I'm happy with some aspects of my life, not so happy with others. I feel like a failure due to my lack of employment, and even more so for still being at Miramar. I have a huge load of school this semester, and while I'm getting through it, some classes are proving to be more difficult than I may be able to handle. My physical sciences class has turned in to a hardcore physics class, one ranking in the 200+ class level, not the simple 100 that it is labelled as. And my philosophy class, a few ranks under the class I took last semester, is much much tougher than before. I'm afraid I may not pass these classes despite my best efforts. I find myself terrified of the thought of having to spend another semester here. I need to move on, but I don't know where, and I don't even know how. Various friends of mine most definitely have much bigger problems, I know that I currently have it good, but I still can't shake the feeling of fear of the unknown next semester. I'm wiped out; being rejected from potential job after potential job (currently multiple Starbucks); not knowing if I'll be finally done with Community College; these are my two downfalls currently. I'm used to having my parents gone, in fact, I don't know if I could have even gotten throught this semester if they had been here. I love them to death, but things had gotten somewhat tense, and the across-the-world distance has done wonders for my personal relationships with those that I care about most. I truly am thankful for the very convenient timing of their departure, as I find myself looking forward to their return. I enjoy this freedom, and I can say whole-heartedly that I cannot wait until the day that I move out. I know that it will ultimately make my family that much more valuable to me. But now is not the time. Eventually, but not now. For now, I find myself going through the motions of everyday life. But this somewhat depressing post is not all sad; I honestly needed to write out how I've been feeling somewhere. And my blog during a break between classes proved to be the most convenient place. This last weekend was a great break from the monotonous norm. I went on a field trip with my Geology class, and had the joy of meeting thirty new people from completely different walks of life. I screwed up my left arm pretty bad at one stop, was humbled when a girl in the class offered to share her tent when she found I had none, had an oddly uplifting encounter with a Greek classmate, and experienced more relaxing and joy-giving activities and conversations than I can name. New friends have been made this semester, and as their relationships with me become more defined and less flimsy, I find a new, enjoyable dynamic coming in to play. This social breath of fresh air is much appreciated, and I am grateful for it. This time of my life isn't all doom and gloom, and I recognize that. It just at times can feel more than a little overwhelming. This has been a long post, and in all reality, was never meant for the internet, but for myself. Its good to write things down sometimes.