Purpose

This Christmas Eve has been one of such incredible insight. Through the course of these past 24 hours, I have felt more alive than I have for a very long time. And you know why? Its because I have a PURPOSE again. I have a reason to keep on going, a reason to strive ever onwards. This period of coasting in stagnant waters for ever so long is finally behind me, and a new beginning is in front of me. I have a job, I'm starting a savings account, I finally chose that school I'm going to be attending for the next two years, and am working on trying to get housing at said location. - -- -------, --- --- ----- ---- -- -- ----, ----- -- -- ---------- ------ --- ------ ---- --- ---- - ---- -------- ---. (Ain't redaction great?) I feel like I have so much to live and work for. And I've given some very important things to God. If there's one thing that's effected me today, it was what Pastor Doug said at the Christmas Eve service about the wise men: that they didn't bring things to Christ that they thought He'd want or need, they brought was was most valuable to them to Him. So this Christmas season (ie: tonight), I've given what I currently hold most valuable to God. Its a scary proposition, but one that couldn't be more RIGHT. And it is such a load off of my heart and soul. Because who else could take better care of things? I'm so glad to be alive. So glad to have a purpose, so glad to be okay with how things are. Merry Christmas everyone, Merry Christmas.

Decisions

Today is a day of decisions. Multiple decisions. Big decisions.

These are going to radically change my life depending on how they all play out. I've put a lot of prayer into these, and am continuing to do so. Its all in the Lord's hands now; as once He's given me His advice and wisdom, all I can do is act upon that. I'm not going to lie, its a scary time. But also a time that could mean the start of some incredible new things. Let's just hope that things go well, yeah?

Late

I feel like I just missed the bus.

Half-Awakened

I am still. Silent. Within my closed eyelids darkness is the only reality. The noises surrounding me ignored, I hear my own heart beat. Slow. Steady. Powerful. Blood rushes through my veins: I am alive. So very alive. A slight breeze brings me back to reality. With a single intentional breath inward, air courses into my lungs. Sweet, life-giving oxygen. And when my chest seems like it might burst from the force, I exhale with just as much purpose. My eyes suddenly whip open; a world of color and beauty snaps into focus. Skyscrapers rise like an endless forest in the distance, busy streets curl around their bases far below. The sun approaches the horizon in a deliberate fashion, shooting beams of red-orange fire through the atmosphere. Thousands of stories off the ground my feet begin moving as if possessed by something foreign. Placing one foot in front of the other, my legs pump incessantly, an unstoppable force vying to meet an impossible end. The ledge approaches faster and faster still. With my entire body working as one singular entity, with doubt being a concept seeming to have been forgotten, with every fiber of my being screaming for the same conclusion, I leap. I launch myself into the air. Up. Over. Long forgotten, the ledge disappears far behind. Freedom resonates through each cell of my body; a full chorus of endless bliss. The gentle breeze transforms into a maelstrom of fury. Arms tucked to my sides, legs straight as they can bend, I rocket downward. A building comes up from the depths of the concrete jungle, and with a flex of my muscles it flies by as if it, not I, were moving with an every-increasing swiftness. A tuck of my knees brings me into a rolling somersault through the sky, and as the invert completes itself, a quick movement to open my legs and arms allows the fabric underneath to crack into place. Without warning, my reality is ripped upwards. Forward motion is achieved within half of a heartbeat. My dance with terminal velocity has ended; my affair with flying has only just begun. The ground is suddenly no longer a deadly rival in allegiance with the clock. A smile comes to my lips. Two structures loom closer, and with a skilled dive I manage to swoop through the deceptively large clearing between the twin columns of steel. Having descended well below the summits of the mighty architectural landmarks, a new challenge has presented itself. I gladly accept. Just as I plunge towards the first opening cut out by the streets far below, an alarm. Blaring. Thunderous. Deafening. My world begins to rip itself apart. The mighty skyscrapers are crashing forever downwards. The air itself begins to boil. And then, in a flash of light, matter itself is dissolved like a roll of film overexposed to the brilliance daylight. My eyes open: I am awake.

Waiting, Hoping

In a time of my life where nothing is terribly certain, nothing is guaranteed, and so many decisive decisions need to be made, I've found myself stressed, stretched, and anxious. This semester, these few months, have been and will continue to be, a period of transition, of waiting, and of stagnant progress. Which, frustrating as it can be, was definitely needed. The opportunity I have at Signature Sound is an incredible one, and one that would not have happened had I not been at home with little to no responsibilities this season. And I am entirely grateful for it. As much as I wish I could be moving on in a forward direction with my schooling/career/life, I understand that this interim period is necessary; regardless of how much I don't like it. There have been highs, there have been lows, and there has been a whole lot of trust that God's timing is one that has my better interest in mind. Its not fun waiting, and it isn't easy, but I'm hoping for the best!

Obscurity

I'm not sure what my thought processes are like anymore.

On A Whim

Written at 6:30am, 8-27-10

Here I am, the top of the world (in San Diego at least). And what a sight it is! The sun just rose about 5 minutes ago, and it was glorious. On a complete whim I decided to hike up Black Mountain after staying out all night, and in the end had to run up the second half of the climb in order to witness the spectacle before it happened. And like a classic piece of fiction, it waited for me to get to the top before doing so. Mt. Woodson was the only thing standing between me and the sun, and within just a few seconds of me getting to the top, it showed its fiery face for all of North County to see. The marine layer is absolutely gorgeous, covering all of civilization in a soft white blanket of moisture. You can't see anything except the other high points of the land. It makes you feel like you're on top of a much much taller landmark, like as if miles of clouds exist below you. The air is fresh, wet, new, and contains that smell that only ten seconds before sunrise can bring. Birds are composing, insects are flying from flower to flower, and everything just feels right. I have every right to be wiped out, exhausted, but if anything, I'm revitalized, refueled. God's glory is everywhere, and its magnificence truly knows no bounds. Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth, You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for You created all things, and by Your will they were created and have their being.

The Calm Before The Storm

Life has been sporadic and busy as of late; and more things have happened that I've wanted to write about than I had free (and mentally focused) time to write. So over the course of the next few days/week, I will be posting bits that I've really wanted to put up, but either simply never finished or never even started in the first place. Have fun reading! (I'm going to bed right now, so expect the first update sometime tomorrow)

EDIT: So yeah.. Due to busyness, this didn't happen. Maybe in the future.

Hume

Hume Lake, the week I've looked forward to every year since my freshmen summer of high school. Its amazing what God does with such a place; how He changes lives in the short span of just a few days. Every year I go I come back with a radical understanding of His love and mercy, and a new perspective on myself and my life. I've been blessed to have the honor of counseling the freshmen and sophomore guys from the youth group this summer; and I can't wait to see their lives get rocked. Likewise, I can't wait to see my own life get put under a magnifying glass. Last year I learned more at Hume than I have in years past, and I hope God does the same for me this year. Hume's just one of those places that the Lord has His hands in, and it is so evident. Its going to be a good week.

The Power Of Dreams

Dreams are very interesting things; an experience that every human being shares, yet we have no solid way to describe or explain them. Yet we have them consistently, night after night. We imagine up entire worlds, entire existences, entire fabrications of reality. All within minute's time. Our shortest stage of sleep, REM cycles, last very briefly, yet offer us the most vivid and memorable of our dreams. Our minds are at full steam. I just watched the movie Inception, so obviously dreams are somewhat on my mind. This post is inspired by that movie; but not about it. Without giving much away, I'll explain. A character describes a dream in which they lived their life, but then woke up. And ever since that point in the movie, that idea has been on my mind. Not as some abstract thought, but as a shared experience.

At one point in high school, I think it was either my junior or senior year; I lived my life. From that point on until I died. Its the most vivid dream I've ever had, one that I remember strongly. As the years have gone by I've forgotten bits and pieces, and smaller details have become a hazy blur. But I do remember it, because it wasn't a dream: it happened. Or at least that's how it feels still to this day. I sometimes wonder if I'm living in a dream, simply because I already have. It went something like this: I went to bed as usual, and woke up, as usual, I went to school, as usual. Eventually I graduated high school. I went to college, and finally finished up there as well. I met a girl who's beauty and kindness knew no bounds, but who's face and features now elude me. I remember how I proposed to her, the crook of her smile as she tearfully said yes; our wedding day, and how my parents had never looked prouder. I ended up with a solid career in a line of work I loved, but can no longer remember, a job that paid well enough for my wife and I to support three incredible children. I remember cradling my firstborn son in my arms, a sense of love so strong that I felt I might die from it. I remember teaching my daughters to ride their bicycles, of being there for them, even when they didn't want me there. And one by one, as they graduated from high school, moving on in their lives, I felt a hole ripped through me when they moved out, praying that I had raised them to the best of my ability. My wife and I never really got into the routine of having an empty house, but I remember when my son got married and had his first child; we suddenly had more little ones running around the house. I remember the pride I felt when I handed my oldest daughter to her grinning fiancé, just as I had accepted the hand of my bride from her father. And I remember growing old, the absolute numbing pain of having to bury my own two parents, of having to say goodbye. A pain so great that I'm crying now while writing this. And my wife? Seeing her go was indescribable. I remember finally, old, withered, and dying, laying on my deathbed in an unknown hospital, surrounded by my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren, taking my last breath. I could draw the false ceiling's tile's they're so clear in my mind. I remember closing my eyes, thanking God for the life He gave me and for His love and guidance throughout my life. And I remember opening them, and seeing the textured ceiling and hanging fan of my high school room. I walked in a confused silence around my house that morning, remembering all the "old" memories of the place, with a mind still 80 years old, looking back. It took me twenty, maybe thirty minutes to realize that I was awake, that I was alive, that the 60+ years I had just lived were a sham, a fake, a fraud, an illusion made up by my mind. But the dream is not easily forgotten. I still remember the smell of my wife's hair. The emotions I experienced have never faded. They get buried over time, but with this recent reminder from this movie, they have all flooded out as clear and hauntingly real as the night I dreamt them.

Dreams are powerful things; and our minds are their creators. The perception of the dream is as real as when you're awake, but you never know it; the weird things that happen are never actually processed as being unusual or out of place until after you wake up. And when do you ever remember that you've started to dream? You get thrown right in, head first, into an event that your mind has seemingly already been playing out. Like a movie on a VHS tape that someone forgot to rewind. Dreams are a mysterious fiction that we humans create for some reason. I don't know if we'll ever figure them out. And I really don't know if we are ever meant to.

Oh Happy Day

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Okay, that's how I feel right now. I can't even put it to words. Like seriously. God is SO good. He really really is. I am full of so much joy that I feel like I'm going to go insane. Crazy. Wild. Out of my mind. I just... don't even know how to express myself right now. I'm on my way up to the top of this crazy mountain called life, and a break in the clouds just came in. Vast fields green in their overflowing abundance of bounty stretch as far as the eye can see. Quaint villages with their bustling marketplaces and lazy but peaceful outskirts come in to view, smoke wisping away from the tiny cottage chimneys. The very clouds above have turned in to an array of ever-changing formations that would entertain even the most uncreative of minds. Pure, clean, fresh air surrounds the hillside, just waiting to be breathed in. The stark flawless blue of the infinite sky combined with the piercing warmth of sun perfect the picture, overloading even more of the senses. This is where I am. This is my view of my life. When the clouds come back around me, swarming like so many insects, this glimpse into life's absolute and incredible joy will be held dearly close. God is good. So good. I love Him so much. Regardless of where you are, He will meet you right there.

King Without A Crown

I said, "You're all that I have and you're all that I need"
Each and every day I pray to get to know you, please
I want to be close to you, yes, I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty

Without you there's no me, you're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said, "I believe"

I'll stand on my own two feet, won't be brought down on one knee
I'll fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe

Out of darkness comes light, a twilight unto the heights
Crown heights burning up all through the twilight
Said, "I thank you" to my God, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart and all my soul and all my might

What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole through the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
And I sing to my God, these songs of love and healing
I want to see You

Drowning In Theology

I have had such an intense period of theological ridiculousness this past 48 hours, its absolutely insane. Podcasts of sermons by solid people, 4 insightful devotions, and then the hardcore studying of one of those four, and then even some great internal discussion about all of the ideas and concepts I've run in to. Life is absolutely ludicrous right about now, but in such a good, good way.

Hmmmm....

You know how sometimes things you thought were solid aren't? Or when you see something in a new light you didn't see it in before? That usually always confuses me. And sometimes I find it hard to wade through all the confusion to find the truth.

An Exclamation

Can I just tell the world how psyched I am to be alive right now? World? You listening? I'M FREAKING PSYCHED TO BE ALIVE!!!! Thank you God: this is Your doing :)

Living Life

Life is one of those things that I don't think we understand. We all share it, we've all been given its gift of breath, but we don't have a clue as to what to do with it. We've set guidelines out telling us what it means to "truly live", and how to properly get there. Yet when did we sign our name on the dotted line agreeing to live that way, agreeing to stick to the plan, agreeing to strive for the same tentative prospect of wealth that has engulfed every aspect of hope in our society? As children, the world was so big, so endless, so full of wonder. What happened? Some would call it maturing; understanding the responsibilities and realities of this world. I think I'd call it loosing sight. Loosing sight of the fact that there is so much to do here on planet Earth. In our youth, we saw the world as our playground: trees were pirate ships, clothing racks were impenetrable hiding places, even mere dirt was entertaining. But we have lost sight of the imaginative, lost sight of looking at the world as something different than what is first observed. Everyone sees the world the same way; the way they've been told to. The way we've been told to. The way I've been told to. When did the world stop being our playground? When did we become dissatisfied with the basic joys of living, the joys that cost absolutely nothing monetarily? You don't have to pay a fee to look up at the sky on a partly cloudy day and turn the passing vapors into nonexistent shapes. You don't have to ask someone permission to run with the wind and enjoy its comforting embrace. Joy can be found everywhere you look; be it a highway, your room, the empty desert, or even the oddly specific, like a Toyota Avalon for show at the county fair. We weren't given life to squander it on the mediocre, we were meant to LIVE. Every second that passes is a second gone. Excuse me for quoting Switchfoot, but our high school dreams? Some are still there, most: gone. Every day spent is a day that you will never get back. Why not do something unique? Why not do something thrilling? Why not spend your time doing things that actually matter? Americans spend their days working away, looking forward to the week they can take off each year and go on vacation. Why not make every day a vacation? You don't need to spend the entire day doing something. Even just 30 seconds will suffice. Smile, laugh, play, enjoy every breath you breath in because you'll never get to take it again. I want to explore the riches of this world. I want to never be satisfied with the ordinary, never be content with the obvious. I want to see things that others haven't seen, do things that others haven't done, even if it is something as ridiculous as dancing down a normally bustling highway. The world is indeed my playground, and I intend to explore every inch that I possibly can. And you dear readers, you are all invited to join me. Any takers?

Kauai - A Review

Its been a solid 10 days that I've gotten to spend on the "Garden Island" of the Hawaiian island chain, and I'd consider that a good enough amount of time in order for me to offer some insights on my time spent in beautiful Kauai. I've been many unique and incredible places in my life. Greece's historical cities, Kenya's untamed Serengeti, London's bustling backwards-driving streets, Paris' elite restaurants, France's stunning countrysides, Germany's perfectionistic urban sprawls, New York City's every-man-for-yourself metropolis, Idaho's peaceful mountain-hidden lakes, Maui's gorgeous tourist traps, Hume's God-blessed atmosphere, Park City's untouchable ski resorts, Las Vegas' money and lust driven empire of selfishness, Los Angeles' traffic-ridden highways, and I happen to live in America's finest city; San Diego. Point is, I've been blessed to have traveled to an unfair portion of this stunning planet's locales. And of all those places, none have ever felt like Kauai. This island has a certain aura to it, something indescribable that takes hold of you from the moment it becomes visible out your aircraft's window and doesn't leave the back corner of your mind for what feels like it may very well be eternity. A connection is made with the lifestyle here; where the only freeway to carve its way across the varied landscape actually has two physical ends that you can reach within an hour and a half drive; where the speed limit never reaches anything over 50 miles an hour; where it rains every day for minutes at a time without warning while the sun is out. The people here are friendly; readily offering advice, conversation, and enjoyable times, regardless of what they may be out and about to do. They recognize what I feel almost the entire world has forgotten and thrown by the wayside: human to human interaction is what matters most. Not that people here are lazy, not in the least. But it seems like they have found the perfect mixture of life, work, and relaxation. And I admire them for it. This place does things to a person. I find myself ashamed that I am so incredibly internet oriented, so dependent on processors and endless sequences of code. God created an extensive world for us, and we've replaced it with a world of our own; intangible, but all-encompassing. It sucks us in, never letting go. And for our times away from our computers: smartphones. And for those that don't have them: Twitter and Facebook SMS feeds. I've never been more than a couple feet from my phone for years. Yet I found myself not wanting it here. I left it behind; forgotten on the dresser by my bed. The rugged beauty of the mountains astounds your intuition; the deep turquoise and blue of the ocean soothes your soul. The peerless majesty of the underwater world feet off the coast makes you gasp for breath; the mystery of the Na Pali coast makes you wish you had the physical ability to be the first to chart its unknown interior. And I didn't even have a chance to explore even a tenth of the Garden Isle's natural wonders. I've always been drawn to the sea; the power of the waves and surf as they angrily meet land has always been an intense match for the beating of my own heart; the infinite horizons a metaphor for my longing to pioneer the unknown and unseen. And for a place like Kauai to exist alone in the middle of the Pacific, ancient, lasting, and beautiful beyond words; it beckons to me. All the technology in the world, all the luxuries offered by man; they could never attempt to touch upon the peace and joy felt whilst taking in the sheer splendor of the jagged peaks of the long-extinct volcanic events of long ago as they become swarmed by clouds and spawn raging white waterfalls visible from miles offshore. This place.. it is unique. I can't do it justice with words and therefore will not try to. Just know that if you ever have the chance to visit this incredible isle of ancient mystery; you'll never be able to forget it. Like the famed island of Lost, it will always call to you; wishing you apon its shores once more for as long as you live.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Ever wondered what was on the other side of the rainbow? I've never been there before, until today that is. I physically passed right through a rainbow here in Kauai... and found myself in Kauai. So there you have it: the "garden island" of the Hawaiian chain would seem to be the mysterious destination everyone's been searching for!

(by the way, though I did not take this picture, I did kayak this river this morning/afternoon)

The Dive

One breath, two breaths, three breaths, each breath deeper and more filling than the last, this is my preparation for my next action. With my final breath, oxygen feels as if it is trying to rupture my lungs. And then down, down down down I dive. Feet kicking furiously, knowing that each powerful stroke uses up precious reserves of energy that I won't be getting back until the next time I surface. My head feels as if it is being crushed and exploded at the same time. Pressure is building up with each intentional kick. I pinch my nose and use even more air to equalize and relieve the pressure. My descent continues ever onwards. The ground looms seemingly miles away, but my determination will not break. Pressure builds again, and is once more relieved. Air explodes out of my watertight snorkel as the outside pressure becomes too great for the seal to hold. And then, success. My hands take hold of the silky loose sand, and I bring my legs down to finally rest. A lone curious fish comes within inches of my translucent mask, and then, its curiosity fulfilled, it vanishes. This is not my world, I'm simply temporarily visiting. And with that thought comes the realization that I'm on borrowed time, and that the invisible countdown has just run out. My lungs burn; as if hundreds of small ants are gnawing away at my insides. My focus shifts upwards, to the surface of the crystal clear water easily thirty feet upwards. The sun shimmers an eternity away as I compress my legs against the perfectly white sand deep below. An explosion of sand accompanies the spring of my body, and I erupt towards the pure air that my entire being so terribly wants and needs. My legs burn as they use up the last of my energy, but I still have a vast distance to cover. My arms pull with all the strength I have, and my legs push beyond the limit of their endurance, exerting more than they have through the fins strapped to my feet. My mind screams for air as black spills into the peripherals of my vision. A hiss of a deflating sound roars through my ears as decompression rapidly occurs. The blackness has left only a pinpoint of light for me to see through, and I release the snorkel bit from my mouth in preparation for inhalation. Then, finally, the moment my entire body has been waiting and working for: air. As I gulp in the life-giving cocktail of gases, the effects are instantaneous. My legs are revitalized, my lungs are filled, my vision regains its sight, and the clouds in my mind disappear. Life has been restored.

Hybrids: Take Two

I'm very vocal in my disdain for hybrid vehicles; I've honestly never really liked them. However, since driving my uncle's Toyota Highlander Hybrid for the past week on and off, I'm ready to make a couple of initial judgments on its breed. Because despite my objections to hybrid vehicles, a vehicle is a vehicle, and I'll admit that I can't make an informed decision on one without driving it, regardless of how much I may want to. So here goes!

-I actually find driving with only the electric motor to be somewhat fun.

-On the subject of the electric motor; instant torque is such a pleasure.

-And instant torque combined with the horsepower of the engine offers surprisingly fast off the line speeds, especially for an SUV.

-I find myself concerned when the engine doesn't shift; it just continuously revs higher and higher and higher.

-The engine turns off occasionally, especially at low speeds. Having the engine shut off right as you're merging into traffic moving much faster than you is terribly disconcerting.
^ I HATE IT ^

-The gas savings are legit!

-In terms of the Highlander, its actually a solid car. Definite surprise.

-Still not one that considers the Prius to be okay.

Patience & Trust

Sometimes God doesn't do things the way you want Him to, you know? While frustrating and annoying, you've just got to trust that He knows exactly what He's doing and why. Its hard to do, but why mope around with your head hung low when you could be living the life He gave you with a huge smile on your face and a mindset focused on the incredible portions of our time here on planet Earth? One step at a time, whether from the street to the curb or across a balance beam stories over the ground below, He'll faithful lead you through HIS idea of where your life should go. Its just hard patiently trusting that He truly knows what He's doing. Really hard.

Storm's Coming

I've just walked a friend home. I stand out on the street, dark and desolate with only a streetlamp for light, invisible forces swirling all around me. I can feel them in my chest, feel them in my heart, feel them in my soul. The black void above me flashes faint luminescence, once, then twice. The shapes of the clouds above turn threatening, but do not spill rain as expected. Silent lightning occurs countless times high above the dry windless street corner I sit upon. It would seem that powers beyond my perception are at war with each other. I know I'm not wrong. My mind runs rampant, my heart flutters faster than its regular steady blip. In this time of prayer, it would seem that more is on the line than I could ever know.

The Awakening

This morning I woke up way earlier than I ever normally would to get on a plane to fly to Idaho to visit my incredible cousin (and as it just so happens a good friend as well), and I was beyond tired. I checked in at rhe airport, went through security, and found my seat on the plane I was assigned. It was normal; usual; nothing special: I've flown on planes all my life. BUT. As we took off into the foggy void, I watched San Diego blip away into toy model-esque nothingness and was about to turn away from my window to eat the bagel my mom kindly made for me earlier when I was completely blinded by the sun as it came over the horizon. And there I sat; completely entranced. Light was everywhere, it felt like I was swimming in an ocean full of it. And despite our increasing altitude, the rays pouring in through the hole in the aircraft's skin brought a warmth that passed right through my body and brought my being to life. The world I was looking at did not seem to be our blue-green rock that we all know and love; it was something else entriely. The clouds formed an endless sea of rolling hills and valleys. The occasional mountain poking its brown head through looked as out of place and alien as a Lamborghini parked at a high school's student lot. The infinite landscape below absorbed, mixed, and reflected the sunbeams in all directions, turning its perfectly white surface into a beautifully majestic gold that the most elaborate palaces in the world could never replicate. Eventually the plane rose into another cloud bank; this one impenetrable to the sun's influence. But the image of what I might almost call a separate reality is burned into my memory. I pray I don't forget it when this flight lands.

Daydreaming

An ordinary day like any other. A red light. An unsuspecting span of San Diegan road. This is the setting for what is about to take place. As I sit on the tarmac awaiting the green atop my vehicle's purring engine, a convertible enters the scene. As he pulls up I glance over. Eye contact is made. A slight nod is exchanged. I turn my eyes to the road ahead, a grin curling around the edges of my lips. The light has suddenly become a countdown; zero can happen at any second. I kick the bike into first, clutch in, waiting for what seems to be an eternity. Seconds tick by; feeling more like millennia than tiny fractions of a minute. Then, in the blink of an eye, the unspoken moment arrives. Before the orb of green can fully illuminate, time slows. My body reacts as only it knows how, infinitely faster than normally required. The clutch is forgotten, throttle cranked to full. The sleeping beast centimeters below my seat screams to life like a wild banshee straight out of hell. I put all my weight forward, but the front wheel still manages to defy the gravitational laws of the Earth. Twenty miles an hour disappears as quickly as forty does. Gears are consumed faster than they can be fed, and the lust for speed becomes all-encompassing. The opponent is forgotten about, left in the exhaust fumes. But he has not given up. A quick glance in the mirror confirms this. One hundred comes up out of nowhere, and vision becomes single focused, the landscape and road smearing away into colorful oblivion. A single obstruction comes into view: traffic moving at a comparable standstill. A twitch of my knee sends me a lane over, a steady hand keeps me in control. My opponent chooses the opposite lane and soon we are head to head, moving in and out of seemingly parked vehicles in a fashion that an observer might compare to a ballroom dancer shuffling cards. Mind, machine, and body are one, yearning for exponentially greater velocity. Nothing else matters. In this moment, life has no other meaning. Suddenly, in the distance, a flash of yellow, and then a steady red. My body works in reverse, slamming pegs downward while micromanaging both brakes. My bike finally comes to an idle pace, a rhythm that my heart is nowhere near. I glance to my side once more. The man in the convertible smiles and nods. I give a short salute. The red light continues to glare at us like a disapproving mother. Green comes once more. I go left, he goes straight; our shared experience not about to be forgotten. As I think the events of the last three minutes over, a smile comes uninhibited.

*I actually didn't do this, but I've wanted to write something of this sort for the past day or so.

The Checklist

Geology
Final Completed
Presentation Completed
Final Project Turned In
Extra Credit Turned In

Physics
Homework In Progress
Final Pending

Philosophy
Paper In Progress
Final Pending

History
Final Completed
Final Paper Turned In
Extra Credit Turned In

Film
Final Pending
Final Paper Revised

Repetition

I've found that in order to make finals doable, music needs to happen. The only problem is that it helps me realize just how long I've been sitting in front of my computer, which makes me frustrated that I've been working on schoolwork for so long. So I'll randomly stop my playlist and simply repeat a single song over and over and over and over again. That way, I truly have no idea how much time I've blown. This time, its been Panic Switch by the Silversun Pickups. Don't ask me why; normally the song I select is much more mellow. But the high energy of the song has been feeding me more motivation to do work, and its been very good to me. Only thing is that I've listened to this song solidly for almost five or six hours now. Talk about having a song stuck in your head! I just can't get enough of it. Panic Switch is my finals-induced addiction.

Silversun Pickups, Panic Switch

Life, Positively

So these past few days have pretty much been the best thing ever. Why? Well dear reader, continue onward and you shall find out!

Thursday Night:
Hung out with Morgan at a friend's birthday party
Celebrated the change of the day into her birthday
Spent time with Evan

Friday:
Slept in
Epic breakfast at Evan's
Crazy nice relaxing shower
Wedding rehearsal at church for Paul and Ali
Incredible rehearsal dinner cooked up by the Warnekes
Rode 35 miles with Will in a very fun Critical Mass
Went to Extraordinary Deserts for Morgan's 21st

Saturday:
Paul and Alison's wedding!
Had a blast hanging out with the bridal party all day
Filmed the pictures, pre-wedding, and random other bits
Ran the wedding's sound, along with its video and audio recordings
Attended one of the funnest receptions I've been to
Saw lots of old friends from out of town the whole day

Sunday:
An amazing sermon given by Tim
Made a crazy commitment
Ran the whole thing without any practice, yet had it turn out very well
Ended up spending the afternoon with James, Malia, the Nellises and the Somervells
Went to Pizza Port in Solona Beach
Ate at Fletcher's Cove's grassy park overlooking the ocean
Saw James and Malia off at the airport
Talked to Emily for over an hour
Organized the entire house

Monday:
Went on a beautiful motorcycle ride to and from La Jolla
Attended a Geology field trip at Tourmaline Surf Park
Mom, Dad, and Nick all came home safely from Europe
Downloaded and played the Reach Beta

Other positive events from the near-past would be:
Dave coming home
Liz coming home
And finding out what I'll be doing this summer

In the future?
I can't wait to see Emily graduate and go with my whole Mom's side of the family to Kauai at the beginning of the summer
OR; for school to end!

Homecoming

As I sit here in the driveway of a dear friend's house, I am struck by the nothingness around me, the absolute sheer silence. Silence that screams louder than any audible noise ever could attempt. My ears are burning with it; its roar shakes my entire body. It struck me the moment goodbyes were exchanged and the front door was closed. No airplanes, no helicopters, no cars, no freeway noises, no people, no running water, no wind. Then all of a sudden, the cloudy, hazy, dimly moonlight sky begins to shift miles above me. Wind prickles at my ears bringing noise other than the hissing flow of blood pumping through my body and the slow rhythmic rise and fall of breath in my chest. I look up, and the opaque field begins to disperse, forming wisps of cloud cover that menacingly disperses the glowing moon's luminescence throughout its outer edges. The wind is a roar now, leaves are being blown about, I hear them scatter down the street. The illusive moon finally steps out from behind the sky-borne water vapors and its incredible reflection of the sun's brilliance overpowers the sulfur-yellow streetlight, casting shadows indiscriminately, lacking only the warmth that Sol provides us during its daytime reign. As if on queue the wind instantly silences, and sonic nothingness once again permeates Poway's suburbia. This peace, this tranquility, this time that every other human being takes to close their eyes and rest, it is mine. I am the sole observer of the quiet, still events unfolding around me, of the ever-changing and shifting shadows, the fresh night air entering my lungs. It is mine alone. This has always been my time of the day; while the world sleeps, I have full dominion. I miss this time of day; its been far too long since I've spent time out in it, truly appreciating the sleepy void for what it is. I feel like I'm in a familiar place. A place I long to be in for eternity. The crisp, cool air enveloping me in my leather jacket, the subtle inconsistencies in the cold shadows, the sound of nothing but a breeze tickling my ear. I am home.

Encouragement

While you yourself may let you down, it is always comforting to know that there are always a select few that will always be there to pick you back up.

Disappointment

People let you down; that's how it goes. But one thing I've realized lately is that the person that will consistently let you down the most is the one that stares back at you in the mirror.

As Of Late

I've been tired in the most recent weeks, but I haven't been able to find the source of my exhaustion. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its purely mental. Sometimes, its completely gone. But most of the time, especially today, I feel nothing but the urge to fall asleep, despite my solid 8 hours spent in bed last night. I can't explain it. Its like I have an urge to get the day over with as soon as possible. Even when I hang out with friends, I find myself not doing the physical things I found oh so exciting not too long ago, but just sitting around, going for car rides, etc, etc. I think I quite literally have a lack of things to truly LIVE for at the moment. I'm happy with some aspects of my life, not so happy with others. I feel like a failure due to my lack of employment, and even more so for still being at Miramar. I have a huge load of school this semester, and while I'm getting through it, some classes are proving to be more difficult than I may be able to handle. My physical sciences class has turned in to a hardcore physics class, one ranking in the 200+ class level, not the simple 100 that it is labelled as. And my philosophy class, a few ranks under the class I took last semester, is much much tougher than before. I'm afraid I may not pass these classes despite my best efforts. I find myself terrified of the thought of having to spend another semester here. I need to move on, but I don't know where, and I don't even know how. Various friends of mine most definitely have much bigger problems, I know that I currently have it good, but I still can't shake the feeling of fear of the unknown next semester. I'm wiped out; being rejected from potential job after potential job (currently multiple Starbucks); not knowing if I'll be finally done with Community College; these are my two downfalls currently. I'm used to having my parents gone, in fact, I don't know if I could have even gotten throught this semester if they had been here. I love them to death, but things had gotten somewhat tense, and the across-the-world distance has done wonders for my personal relationships with those that I care about most. I truly am thankful for the very convenient timing of their departure, as I find myself looking forward to their return. I enjoy this freedom, and I can say whole-heartedly that I cannot wait until the day that I move out. I know that it will ultimately make my family that much more valuable to me. But now is not the time. Eventually, but not now. For now, I find myself going through the motions of everyday life. But this somewhat depressing post is not all sad; I honestly needed to write out how I've been feeling somewhere. And my blog during a break between classes proved to be the most convenient place. This last weekend was a great break from the monotonous norm. I went on a field trip with my Geology class, and had the joy of meeting thirty new people from completely different walks of life. I screwed up my left arm pretty bad at one stop, was humbled when a girl in the class offered to share her tent when she found I had none, had an oddly uplifting encounter with a Greek classmate, and experienced more relaxing and joy-giving activities and conversations than I can name. New friends have been made this semester, and as their relationships with me become more defined and less flimsy, I find a new, enjoyable dynamic coming in to play. This social breath of fresh air is much appreciated, and I am grateful for it. This time of my life isn't all doom and gloom, and I recognize that. It just at times can feel more than a little overwhelming. This has been a long post, and in all reality, was never meant for the internet, but for myself. Its good to write things down sometimes.

Parents

Why is it that at age 21, parents still have the ability to make completely illogical sense "just because"? I love my parents to death, but mornings like these remind me of how much I can't wait for the day when I'm able to move out. I'm not angry, but I definitely am sad that my parents have chosen to take such an unsupportive stance. Instead of, "awesome; you're finding work so that you can stay afloat", its "why haven't you found an amazing steady job". Or, "we're glad you had such an awesome relaxing time camping", instead its "how could you possibly do that". I was given free reign over three years ago, and for some reason they've decided they want to pull in on the leash. Yay. If you guys want to know a way to create a gaping void in our relationship, simply do what my parents are doing right now. Apparently the ball is in my court, or so I've been told, but there's no hoop to shoot it at.

On Faith

People like to think they're right about things. I do. You do. Chances are you know a lot of people that do too. We like the good feeling we get when someone asks us a question and we happen to know all about that subject. We butt into conversations in public when two people are talking and end up clueless about something. But I think a huge component to this mighty issue of pride are things we ourselves hold to be true. The solid "rocks" we've built our entire philosophical view of life around. When someone challenges one of these; we immediately object. We get a gut feeling of annoyance, and sometimes, of anger. "That they could even say such a thing!" And the main boulder in our foundation of our logic, our reasoning, and our understanding of everything we "know" to be true hinges on whether or not God is real. For those of us who believe with our entire being He's out there, solid evidence against that would send us into a tailspin. For those of us who trust wholly in empirical science; solid proof that God does indeed exist would rock every foundation of our lives. It all comes down to the start: the beginning of our universe. Scientifically, we can look back and understand what happened. Matter can't be created, so before the "Big Bang", the "Great Sneeze", the “Creation” (whatever you may call it) of the Universe, all matter existed within a singularity. Stuffed within the smallest unit of measurement. The lowest common denominator.

Let’s take a break to make an example. The example of a nuclear bomb. What causes such a power, such a destructive force? The splitting of an atom. A tiny, tiny, tiny object. And when shattered, produces enough energy to reduce even the proudest of cities to rubble.

So now let us think of this original singularity. Within it was the matter of the ENTIRE Universe. Yet it still tried to pull into itself. Finally, it split itself. The energy of unimaginable force ruptured, and hurled what is now the entirety of everything we know outward. And today, it’s still flying. Eventually; eventually, it will stop. Slowed down and drawn in once again by its own gravitational pull. If we forget about the insane amounts of time represented, we can focus on the process. The Universe will start moving in on itself, eventually stuffing everything once again into that unimaginably tiny singularity. And eventually, it will happen again. The very speck itself will continue to try and draw itself into itself, and eventually once again split. And once again, the universe will be born. How many times has this happened? Was our “Big Bang” the first? The cycle will continue infinitely, that much we know. And this is where our conundrum comes in. Matter can’t come into or out of existence. It just IS. Every fundament of science points to this fact. Science can’t explain where everything came from. So, it must have always been right? The simple fact is that when it all comes down to it, it is a matter of faith. Faith that matter indeed has always existed, that this cosmic cycle of epic proportions continues to repeat itself. But let me say this now: God too is a matter of faith. I can’t prove to you that He exists, that what I say are “His” works are actually His. Just like I can’t prove to you that our Universe was a product of continuous expansion and contraction. We know nothing of the beginning, only that it happened. It takes faith to believe that the matter of the universe has infinitely existed, continuing its cycle over and over. It also takes faith to believe that God was the cause of the beginning of the universe; willing matter into being. Neither can be proved. Neither can be measured. They both have radically different standings. So when you hear the common argument over where everything comes from, think long and hard about what you know to be true. You may denounce God, but really, how can you through science? It goes both ways. You can’t prove God. Therefore you can’t disprove Him. A trust in science requires as much faith when it comes down to it as a trust in God. Neither is above the other. Neither can be proven through our ways of proving. I believe wholeheartedly that God created this existence. His methods? I have absolutely no clue. You may believe in the scientific creation of the universe. It very well may be true. But if God truly does exist as I believe He does, who is to say that this all powerful being could not create everything we know (and don’t yet know) as aged? It’s an endless debate. One that can’t be won by either side. So take a deep look at what you hold to be true. And you may very well realize that when everything is stripped away, whatever it may be, it ALL; simply; comes down to faith.

Love

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

We have three things to do to lead us forwards: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. But the most important of these three is love.

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On a side note; I just finished reading Redeeming Love for the second time. I brings me to me knees knowing that God loves me as much as He does. I don't deserve it in the least bit, yet there He is. All I can ask for is that if someone ever comes into my life for good, that I can follow the bolded portion above. There is nothing greater.

The Beauty Of It All

The sun is shining its glorious rays upon San Diego, and every tiny little thing it touches can't help but sing out with a joy that only something like the warmth of sunlight can bring. The birds are in full chorus, the wind wisps by in a carefree way bringing with it tendrils of heat and smells of rejoicing plants. The air pulses like something alive, and the sky proclaims its glory with a stunning hue of color only seen when the Earth truly awakens and comes to life. Something is stirring within me, and with each breath of pure, intoxicating air coursing through me, I feel as if I become just that much more alive. Joy is bursting from every corner of my being. The glory of which God has made is far beyond imagination.

The Send Off

I just had to say goodbye to my best friend. I know he'll be back, and I know I'll see him again, but that doesn't change the fact that its still really hard. He's been within a fifteen minute drive's reach since 7th grade; its hard to believe he'll be on the other side of the continent for this next year. I miss you man. That's never going to change until you get back.

Stressed

I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Because of my history teacher; I actually know what that means now; and where it originated from. Though I can't say I'm in the same conundrum as Odysseus was when he had to choose between a whirlpool named Charybdis and Scylla the man-eating monster. Point being: I'm stressed out.

An Observation

It would seem that we, the American people, cannot stand the way things are in our own lives currently. We don't like who we are. We want to be somebody else. Or at least that's what I've been gathering from a recent slew of movies that have come out. I'm talking Avatar, Surrogates, and Gamer to name a few. These movies focus on allowing people to live out their lives away from the reality of their actual lives, through the control of anything from a hardened criminal, to a robot, to an 8 foot tall Na'vi. In Avatar, we see a crippled marine gain back his legs, and ultimately his individuality. In Gamer (absolutely terrible movie; please don't waste two hours seeing it), people control criminals in a real life "video game" deathmatch. They also can control people in a social setting with no rules; much like a real life Second Life. Finally, in Surrogates, people own robotic copies of themselves that they live their daily lives through. In each of these films, people get a "second chance" of sorts. And they become addicted to it helplessly. They loose sight of their actual life, and become caught up in the "fantasy world" presented by the alternative body. Its not terribly far off however. Today, people become ensnared by virtual worlds; World of Warcraft, Second Life, Everquest, even The Sims. What is it about the idea of a second body that is so incredibly addicting and appealing? I was addicted to video games at one point; I know what that's like. But to spend your entire life as some(thing) else? Are people that dissatisfied with themselves? I can understand Jake Sully's position in Avatar; heck, I'd say I'm even a little jealous. But the other two examples just make me want to cry; because I can see our society falling into that hole so quickly and without a single care. God gave us our lives, our bodies, our talents, our abilities, our strong suites, our weaknesses, and our downfalls. They are each something unique to each of us. Its like saying, "God, its cool that You, the Creator of the universe, made me, but you know.. I think I can do better" God made us US, and it would be a crime to hide yourself behind something entirely not you.

Waiting 'Till The Shine Wears Off

I feel like when you meet a person, there's this crazy first impression you get of them. You've already decided if you think they're likable or not, if you could potentially be friends with them, if you might get along, and whatnot. What I've found though, is how hard it is to shake that initial imprint. You continue to have that residual image of them in your head, and it takes quite a bit to go away. Call it a pair of "rose-colored glasses", a "feeling" as to why you don't like someone, or an indecisive "knot" in your gut that keeps you at an ambiguous place concerning that one particular person. Sometimes I feel that we even do this with friends we've known forever. When their name comes up in conversation, you have that initial reaction: ugh.., awesome!, ..huh, i can't wait!, or maybe just a simple indifference. I find the indifference to be a rarity though. When someone calls me on the phone, or I get a text, instant message, or email, I already have a certain mindset when I open the phone, read the email, or respond to the message. With friends, I believe that they earn this "reputation" (if you want to call it that), and that past events, known habits, old actions; these are what define this initial reaction. But with new people, what are you basing it off of? How they look? How they act? That vibe they give off? Their smile? I want so badly to remove that initial response, because that's pretty much guaranteed not to have come even close to how that person really is. I want to get to know the REAL person; to let those tinted glasses fall off, that initial gut feeling to fade, and that first impression to go out the window. But that takes time. Time that I'm willing to spend. Same goes the other way: I want people to get to know me beyond the first impression; flaws and all. I want people to know the real me. I don't want to be fake. The question is: are you, dear reader, willing to get to know who I really am? I'd say a good deal of you do. But if you don't, please get to know me. If you're in the process, I'm glad you're taking that effort. I don't want to know the "surface person" that people put about, and I don't want them to get to know mine; I want to know the real them, and for them to know the real me. Deal?

Skype

I love it. Lots.

What's On My Mind

I have a million and one thoughts running through my head right now. Good, bad, neutral, hopeful, confused, and so much more. How is it that things could have gotten so out of control? How is it that I can feel like such a failure? How is it that I have no idea what's going to happen? How is it that I'm terrified of the future? How is it that someone I've known but for almost three weeks has become so important? How is it that I'm so screwed financially? How is it that I'm such a terrible player at this game called life? How is it that I keep on going? How is it that I know God will always be there for me and never leave me?

I know the answers to most of the questions, but some still allude me. Its been an emotional and draining day. I'm glad that God gave me a chance to rest tonight. I can't do this without Him. I've got a lot on my plate. Keep me on the right path God, I can't afford to stray.

No One Higher

There is no one higher.
There is no one greater.
There is no one like our God.

There is no one more able,
Christ our Savior,
Great. And Glorious.

Thunder & Lightning

Throughout this very un-Californian storm we've been experiencing this last week, I've really had a lot of time to enjoy the change. Normally, its sunny; not a cloud in the sky. If it rains, its more a fine mist that might inspire a sprinkling for maybe a couple of minutes. But what we've experienced these last couple of days hasn't been a sad excuse for weather, its been the real deal. Flash flood and tornado warnings have pestered the radio waves, and streets have quite literally turned into frothing rivers of white water you're not terribly sure you can even drive through. But of all the water works, I really find myself blown away by the lightning and its resounding thunder. No wonder the ancient Greeks saw lightning as something from the gods, it lasts for nothing more than a tenth of a second, yet it lights up all of its surroundings, all of the sky, and burns its image into your vision so that all you can see when you close your eyes is its form. And after you've been blinded by the intensity of the act itself, a booming thunder follows directly after, completing its one-two punch for your attention. Whereas thunder does not come from Zues or any of the other gods of lore, it is part of our God's creation. Most of the time, we praise God for the beauty of this world, for the little things, for the masterpieces He has perfected and given to us. But sometimes God more than proves His complete dominion over nature and our lives in absolute shows of power like lightning. We fear it. Lightning is something that we understand through our science and common knowledge, but even then, its power and command over everything is more than intimidating. As much as I love being reminded that God is gentle and loving; sometimes it is so beneficial to be reminded of God's complete and total reign of power over everything in this universe.

Kids

Little kids are such an absolute joy. Their little smiles and expressions are absolutely priceless. Someday; I really want kids of my own. However, I don't know how the heck I'd interact with one. Pretty much, right now, give me a junior higher or high schooler, one or fifteen, and I'll be fine. Give me one child, and I'm flabbergasted as to what to do. Weird paradox, huh? I feel like teenagerdom is supposed to be the hard part. Yet I don't know how to handle myself around a small child. I just know that I love it.

Anticipation

The Canyons

3,700 Skiable Acres

167 Trails
18 Lifts
8 Mountains
6 Natural Halfpipes
5 Bowls
2 Terrain Parks

Snowbird

Untouched Deep Powder Backcountry
A Formidable Bowl The Size Of Most Resorts
A Tunnel That Takes You Under The Mountain To Double Black Diamond Goodness


[to say that I'm excited would be the understatement of the year]