Homecoming

As I sit here in the driveway of a dear friend's house, I am struck by the nothingness around me, the absolute sheer silence. Silence that screams louder than any audible noise ever could attempt. My ears are burning with it; its roar shakes my entire body. It struck me the moment goodbyes were exchanged and the front door was closed. No airplanes, no helicopters, no cars, no freeway noises, no people, no running water, no wind. Then all of a sudden, the cloudy, hazy, dimly moonlight sky begins to shift miles above me. Wind prickles at my ears bringing noise other than the hissing flow of blood pumping through my body and the slow rhythmic rise and fall of breath in my chest. I look up, and the opaque field begins to disperse, forming wisps of cloud cover that menacingly disperses the glowing moon's luminescence throughout its outer edges. The wind is a roar now, leaves are being blown about, I hear them scatter down the street. The illusive moon finally steps out from behind the sky-borne water vapors and its incredible reflection of the sun's brilliance overpowers the sulfur-yellow streetlight, casting shadows indiscriminately, lacking only the warmth that Sol provides us during its daytime reign. As if on queue the wind instantly silences, and sonic nothingness once again permeates Poway's suburbia. This peace, this tranquility, this time that every other human being takes to close their eyes and rest, it is mine. I am the sole observer of the quiet, still events unfolding around me, of the ever-changing and shifting shadows, the fresh night air entering my lungs. It is mine alone. This has always been my time of the day; while the world sleeps, I have full dominion. I miss this time of day; its been far too long since I've spent time out in it, truly appreciating the sleepy void for what it is. I feel like I'm in a familiar place. A place I long to be in for eternity. The crisp, cool air enveloping me in my leather jacket, the subtle inconsistencies in the cold shadows, the sound of nothing but a breeze tickling my ear. I am home.

Encouragement

While you yourself may let you down, it is always comforting to know that there are always a select few that will always be there to pick you back up.

Disappointment

People let you down; that's how it goes. But one thing I've realized lately is that the person that will consistently let you down the most is the one that stares back at you in the mirror.

As Of Late

I've been tired in the most recent weeks, but I haven't been able to find the source of my exhaustion. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its purely mental. Sometimes, its completely gone. But most of the time, especially today, I feel nothing but the urge to fall asleep, despite my solid 8 hours spent in bed last night. I can't explain it. Its like I have an urge to get the day over with as soon as possible. Even when I hang out with friends, I find myself not doing the physical things I found oh so exciting not too long ago, but just sitting around, going for car rides, etc, etc. I think I quite literally have a lack of things to truly LIVE for at the moment. I'm happy with some aspects of my life, not so happy with others. I feel like a failure due to my lack of employment, and even more so for still being at Miramar. I have a huge load of school this semester, and while I'm getting through it, some classes are proving to be more difficult than I may be able to handle. My physical sciences class has turned in to a hardcore physics class, one ranking in the 200+ class level, not the simple 100 that it is labelled as. And my philosophy class, a few ranks under the class I took last semester, is much much tougher than before. I'm afraid I may not pass these classes despite my best efforts. I find myself terrified of the thought of having to spend another semester here. I need to move on, but I don't know where, and I don't even know how. Various friends of mine most definitely have much bigger problems, I know that I currently have it good, but I still can't shake the feeling of fear of the unknown next semester. I'm wiped out; being rejected from potential job after potential job (currently multiple Starbucks); not knowing if I'll be finally done with Community College; these are my two downfalls currently. I'm used to having my parents gone, in fact, I don't know if I could have even gotten throught this semester if they had been here. I love them to death, but things had gotten somewhat tense, and the across-the-world distance has done wonders for my personal relationships with those that I care about most. I truly am thankful for the very convenient timing of their departure, as I find myself looking forward to their return. I enjoy this freedom, and I can say whole-heartedly that I cannot wait until the day that I move out. I know that it will ultimately make my family that much more valuable to me. But now is not the time. Eventually, but not now. For now, I find myself going through the motions of everyday life. But this somewhat depressing post is not all sad; I honestly needed to write out how I've been feeling somewhere. And my blog during a break between classes proved to be the most convenient place. This last weekend was a great break from the monotonous norm. I went on a field trip with my Geology class, and had the joy of meeting thirty new people from completely different walks of life. I screwed up my left arm pretty bad at one stop, was humbled when a girl in the class offered to share her tent when she found I had none, had an oddly uplifting encounter with a Greek classmate, and experienced more relaxing and joy-giving activities and conversations than I can name. New friends have been made this semester, and as their relationships with me become more defined and less flimsy, I find a new, enjoyable dynamic coming in to play. This social breath of fresh air is much appreciated, and I am grateful for it. This time of my life isn't all doom and gloom, and I recognize that. It just at times can feel more than a little overwhelming. This has been a long post, and in all reality, was never meant for the internet, but for myself. Its good to write things down sometimes.